


The First and Only Time Chris Reads Fanfiction and Gets Scarred

by iPlaySports



Category: CrissColfer - Fandom, Glee, Glee RPF, klaine - Fandom
Genre: Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Mentions of Pavarotti Protocol, Not sexually, The guys get a little heated, idk. I had to get it out of my system, it's not that bad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-24
Updated: 2020-09-24
Packaged: 2021-03-07 20:21:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,445
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26633542
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iPlaySports/pseuds/iPlaySports
Summary: Chris Colfer has never read fanfiction- EVER. But, his curiosity gets piqued due to the excitement surrounding something called "Pavarotti Protocol." So he decides to read it with his co-star, Darren, who is a seasoned Glee Fanfiction reader (what? he thinks it's cool). Boy, are they in for a treat.(Chris and Darren read PP and these are their reactions.)
Relationships: Blaine Anderson/Kurt Hummel, Chris Colfer/Darren Criss
Comments: 4
Kudos: 23





	The First and Only Time Chris Reads Fanfiction and Gets Scarred

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [The Pavarotti Protocol](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/689869) by kurt_blaine. 



> First of all, I did not read PP until like 3 weeks ago when I was forced to by a friend. Second of all, screw the person who made me read it, I hated it. 
> 
> But of course, me being a naturally curious person wondered: how would CRISS and, more importantly, COLFER react? Thus this fic it born.
> 
> It's really just my opinion forced into a CC format. So... yeah. Here you have it. As I said in the tags, I just had to get this out of my system (thanks JEROME). Okay anyway... read if you want.

“Chris, I’m home!” Darren yells as he walks into the penthouse suite that Chris calls home. Taking off his jacket and shoes, he leaves the foyer in search of his seemingly always busy boyfriend.

“Yes, Dare, I know you are home. No one else has a key to this place except Amber and Ashley and the girls are doing a… thing tonight or something. I don’t know…” Chris trails off, hands swiping down his face. The taller male is currently curled up around his laptop on the couch, with Brian dozing at his feet.

Darren stops short. He knows Chris prefers to do actual work in his home office or on the kitchen island. He also knows that Chris doesn’t usually get so stressed over the leisurely browsing he likes to do on the couch or in his bed. 

This can only mean one thing: Chris has been Twitter-digging. If there is one thing that can cause Chris  _ I-have-to-meet-this-deadline  _ level stress (bar: actually having a deadline), is Twitter. 

Darren tries to keep his co-star off of it for as long as possible, but some days a scene runs long or some other workplace inconvenience keeps Darren at work slightly longer than usual, and can’t get to Chris on time and… as much as the shorter man finds his furrowed-browed friend adorable, he wants to spare Chris from some particular evils.

“What’s going on?” Darren asks, forcing casual curiosity into his voice, “The interwebs got you down? Or is there another steamy fancam up on the timeline?”

Chris shoots him an inquisitive glance, “Neither, although I do want to see these fancams you speak of,” Chris says as the curly-haired boy flops down on the couch beside him, disturbing Brian in his slumber. “There’s a lot of talk about a new fanfiction story that came out.”

Darren is immediately set on edge. Chris never reads fanfiction. Ever. He doesn’t particularly avoid it, it just has never caught his interest. Darren, however, has read a fair amount of it. 

Okay, fine. He’s read plenty of stories about Klaine from the imaginations of Glee watchers. He finds it amusing, okay? But, he also knows that there is some dark, twisted shit out there. He has questioned the insanity of many, many writers. Darren hasn’t gone looking in a while (Related: he also hasn’t eaten [caramel](ahklainefic.tumblr.com/post/14139086270/umami) in since then.), so he has no idea what Chris could be talking about.

Before he can respond Chris continues, “It’s called  [ _ Pavoratti Protocol  _ ](https://kurt-blaine.livejournal.com/1298095.html) and it kinda has a wide range of… feedback,” he finishes uncertainly.

“What do you mean?” Darren asks, still caught off guard that Chris is talking about fanfiction.

“Well,” Chris starts, turning the screen toward his boyfriend slightly, “some people think it’s weird and disturbing, while others think it is unique and awe-inspiring. I haven’t read any of it yet…” Chris trails off, glancing toward the shorter man.

Darren knows that look. He knows it too well. It means that reading this story is a monumentally bad idea, but they were gonna do it anyway because it’s just gonna eat at Chris until he breaks down and reads it in the middle of a Target, probably.

“But, you want to,” Darren finishes, “Okay, but you do know that think could get really, _really_ ugly right.”

“Yes, I know but you know me… we have to,” Chris states, “I found a website where it shows you it a paragraph at a time, so I was thinking we could do it like that?” (A/N: I don’t know if there is a website like that, I made it up for the plot.)

“Well, let’s get this show on the road,” Darren says, as he scootches closer, “but, if I get mentally scarred by this I will never speak to you again.”

“Okay, I’ll hold you to it,” Chris responds, waiting for the link to load.

(A/N: From this point on, they read a chapter and I’m just writing their reactions. Feel free to read [it](https://kurt-blaine.livejournal.com/1298095.html) alongside.)

_ Paragraph 1: _

“This seems promising,” Chris remarks sarcastically, “Why does Kurt want to die already?”

“I think the more important question is why is he bent over a fucking table?” Darren asks.

“I think the point of reading this is to find out.”

“Well then, read on, my good sir!”

_ Paragraph 2: _

“‘Blaine doesn’t  _ think _ Kurt is suicidal’?” Darren exclaims, “Blaine’s his fucking boyfriend. Do better.”

“I’m more worried about what Blaine thinks is ‘perfectly fine’,” Chris says, already looking mildly alarmed.

_ Paragraph 3:  _

There are a few seconds of stunned silence then, “Well, that took a turn,” Chris remarks. 

“Took a turn? TOOK A TURN?” Darren basically yells. “Why is Wes the one doing… ya know… to him when his boyfriend is right there?”

“I think we should just keep reading to find out why this is happening.”

_ Paragraph 4:  
_

The two men look over at each other. Darren mouths ' _Please_?' as Chris shrugs. They turn back toward the computer to keep reading.

_ Paragraph 5:  _

“Wait, wait, wait, hold the fuck up…. Pavarotti? The bird that died and got Klaine together?” Darren asks, face scrunching up in confusion.

“I’m more worried about the fact that A: it says ‘on cue’ like it was planned. And B: It is in a condom.”

Darren nods conceding to Chris’s point, then adds a murmured “Please don’t do what I think your about to do Wes.”

_ Paragraph 6: _

Chris stares at the screen in shock, while Darren goes off on a spiel on whatever the fuck they just read with their own eyes.

“It’s a lubricated condom’ Like that makes it any better? He’s literally-” Darren cuts himself off to face the man to his right, “Chris he’s literally shoving a bird- a dead bird, Chris- up someone’s ass. Blaine has the nerve to just ‘wonder if the boy has died of shame.’ Talk about a terrible boyfriend.”

Chris has nothing to say to that. Wishing for this to be over, he clicks to read the next paragraph.

_ Paragraph 7:  _

For the second (and not the last) time tonight, the only sound heard in the Colfer apartment is the pad of Brian’s feet as he wanders the room.

But eventually, it’s Chris who breaks the silence.

“I could’ve really done without that detailed description.”

“Yep.”

_ Paragraph 8:  _

“Why is he not all there?” Darren wonders aloud.

“You mean, besides the dead bird in his ass,” Chris deadpans. 

“Yes, of course.”

“I don’t know. But, something very, very terrible is telling me we are about to find out.”

_ Paragraph 9: _

“Again. With the goddam details,” Chris says, rubbing his eyes in an attempt to lessen the effect this piece of writing is having on him.

“I’m more worried about Blaine,” Darren starts, internally cursing his TV counterpart, “He ‘thinks it looks uncomfortable.’ I want Blaine to put a bird up his own ass, thank you very much.” 

_ Paragraph 10: _

“I got excited for a second because I thought Blaine was actually gonna do something...” Darren says disappointedly. 

“What do you mean? You don’t think yanking someone by their hair is useful?” Chris asks, sarcastically. “I’m concerned about how civil Wes is acting right now.”

“Yeah, same. It’s alarming,” Darren agrees.

_ Paragraph 11: _

It was one sentence and Chris only had one thing to say about it: “No.”

“Holy shit.”

“Blaine... just no.”

“Blaine needs to stop wondering.”

_ Paragraph 12: _

“How is that a suitable punishment?” Darren asks, practically seething at the computer screen.

“I don't know. Also, I thought my character was dramatic… this is just the next level. It’s a fucking bird.”

_ Paragraph 13: _

As Chris switches tabs to google what the hell a public caning is, Darren speaks his thoughts.

“Of course, Blaine chose this one,” Darren remarks with thinly-veiled sarcasm, “Because Blaine is a huge dick.” 

“I really hoped caning wasn’t exactly as I thought it was, but it is,” Chris says, scrolling through headline after headline. “What is happening at this school?”

Darren shrugs as Chris switches back to the story so they can keep reading.

_ Paragraph 14: _

“Blaine really had an agenda that day didn’t he,” Chris holds up his fingers to count off, “One: Get a boyfriend. Two: Tell said boyfriend he has to be punished for a bird dying. Three: Tell him said punishment is to get a bird shoved up his virgin asshole.”

“Unfortunately, yes.”

_ Paragraph 15: _

“I would’ve blown it off as a joke, too,” Chris states, looking toward his colleague.

“I’m still on the fact that he drugged him,” Darren stays, making eye contact with the man next to him.

_ Paragraph 16 _

“Oh, for that love of-” Darren stops himself, adopts a supremely phony overjoyed expression, then exclaims “Good for Blaine! He did his job.” 

This earns a laugh from Chris.

_ Paragraph 17 _

Chris mutters a quick “unfortunately” before clicking to the next part.

_ Paragraph 18 _

“Okay, now I _really_ want Blaine to get a bird shoved up his ass,” Darren says.

“Agreed.”

_ Paragraph 19 _

“How is Wes so civil? Telly would have a cow,” Chris references his previous statement, “He would literally give birth to a live farm animal.”

Now is Darren’s turn to laugh. Nudging Chris’s hand out the way, he clicks next.

_ Paragraph 20 _

Darren’s back to his outrage.

“He decides. _He_ _decides_. HE DECIDES?” Darren repeats, “I’m so glad Blaine _decided_ that his boyfriend, who is obviously not fine, is okay.”

“I just want this to be over,” Chris clicks next.

_ Paragraph 21 _

“Of course he’s crying, you bitch,” Darren seethes at the screen, “I would be, too, if my boyfriend was such an ignorant prick.” 

“I just want said prick to stop thinking,” Chris remarks, “He clearly doesn’t have a good grasp on reality.”

_ Paragraph 22 _

“Oh, maybe he will actually help,” Darren exclaims, projecting false cheer into voice.

“Maybe,” mumbles Chris, trying to get the page to load faster so he can get this over with.

_ Paragraph 23 _

“I would be panicked, too,” Chris remarks.

“You kind of are,” Darren tries to joke, but quickly realizes his mistake when Chris gives him a withering glare.

“Don’t even go there, D,” Chris reprimands.

_ Paragraph 24 _

“Yeah, Blaine. Get the damn bird out.” Darren clicks next.

_ Paragraph 25 _

“Don’t cluck your tongue at him,” Chris says, looking surprised that he said that out loud.

_ Paragraph 26 _

“Don’t shush him,” Darren reaches to click when Chris doesn’t.

“I’m pretty sure it was supposed to be soothing,” Chris reflects as the screen loads.

“Does this Blaine seem like he would be soothing now?” Darren retorts.

“Touche.”

_ Paragraph 27 _

“Just get the damn bird out, Blaine,” Darren nudges Chris out of his stupor, “Do one fucking thing right.”

_ Paragraph 28 _

“Again. Blaine just... stop thinking.”

_ Paragraph 29 _

“Did his dick just…” Chris starts looking genuinely perplexed at what’s happening before his eyes.

“Can I murder my own character?” Darren muses, looking utterly disgusted.

_ Paragraph 30 _

“Well, thank _god_ Blaine noted the blood,” Chris deadpans, “Can he go now?”

“Wait. How are there still 7 parts left?” Darren questions, looking a little green.

“I have a feeling we really don’t want to know,” Chris replies. 

_ Paragraph 31 _

( _ * _ The following part is Chris and Darren trading off screaming at their screen.)

“NO, HE IS NOT-’’

“WHAT THE FUCK BLAINE?”

“STOP FIGURING THINGS. I ALREADY TOLD YOU TO STOP THINKING.”

“THAT IS RAPE. LIKE NON-CONSENSUAL SEX.”

“KURT IS PAIN.”

“Okay. Okay. Calm down.”

“You want me to calm down? Blaine is _raping_ Kurt and thinks it’s okay because they are boyfriends. I-”

“I know. We only have a few more chapters then we can forget this ever happened.”

“I’m a hard time believing that I can forget this.”

_ Paragraph 32 _

“Holy shit,” Darren says, for lack of better words.

“I’m scared for Kurt,” Chris says, “I don’t want to know how Blaine will get him to react.”

“Yet, we are about to find out.”

_ Paragraph 33 _

Darren is starting to think that shutting the laptop is a wonderful idea. The best even, bar shutting it earlier before they even started reading it. He reaches up to do just that, but he is stopped by Chris _fucking_ Colfer.

“We can’t,” Chris whispers, barely louder than his own breathing.

“And the _ever-loving fuck_ can’t we?” Darren asks incredulously.

“Because if I don't find out how this ends today,” Chris gulps, “I will go crazy.”

_But at what cost_ , Darren thinks.

_ Paragraph 34 _

“Either Kurt is dead or just can't give a fuck anymore,” Darren guesses.

“I think it’s the latter,” Chris replies.

_ Paragraph 35 _

“He got off-”

“Yes, he did.”

“Fucking his boyfr- wait no I won’t even give him the dignity of calling him his boyfriend. Fucking Kurt-”

“Raping, actually.”

"While shoving a bird-”

“A dead bird.”

“Down his throat. Then he had the fucking nerve to come inside him.”

“Yeah, I’d say that summarizes it pretty well.”

“That’s it. Pavarotti is ruined for me.”

“Same here. Let’s get this over with. Only two more chapters.” Chris says with false cheer, clicking next.

_ Paragraph 36 _

“He just walked away?” Chris asks no one in particular.

“How are you focused on that? He was covered in blood, the bird is just sitting on the table, and Kurt is apparently having a mental breakdown in the corner.”

“Yes. Another great summary, Darren,” Chris responds drily, “It’s like I just read the same thing.”

_ Paragraph 37  _

“So, Blaine is a rapist and a jackass. How lovely,” Chris remarks, “And Kurt gets to be the traumatized one. The good eggs never win.”

“I’m pretty sure that’s not how the saying goes, but the sentiment still stands.”

_ Post-Reading _

After Chris shuts his laptop lid, the co-stars sit in dead silence for a solid 8 minutes.

Darren finally is the one to break the silence, “I don’t think it would be an exaggeration to say I want to curl up and die right now.”

“Honestly? I would say same, but I’m in the middle of a really good deal right now,” Chris says, trying to lighten the mood, “I can settle with never reading fanfiction again.”

“Yeah. Okay. I can agree with that,” Darren concedes.

Chris nods. “I am decidedly not turned on right now.” Pause. “I don’t I’ve ever been more turned off in my life.”

That breaks Darren down into a fit of giggles, which in turn leads Chris to give a chuckle or two.

“Oh my god,” Darren gasps out between fits of laughter, “You have never been more right.”

“I know,” Chris smirks, then mellows into a more sober expression, “but I am never reading fanfiction again.”

“Agreed.”

“Lair.”

“Yeah, you’re probably right.”

  
  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Comment? Kudos? This doesn't really need either but if you made it all the way through you might as well? Thanks but I understand if you don't.


End file.
